


hope is strong, but misery's a little quicker

by frostbitten



Series: ghosts that we knew [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel 616, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Black Widow Program, F/F, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 19:08:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4031272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostbitten/pseuds/frostbitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It goes like this: you are Yelena Ivanovna Belova. You do not know how old you are or what your favourite food is or why you have a family waiting for you in Kiev but Natalia didn't. You do not ask why; after all, you are not there to ask questions. You are there because they built you to fight the battles that no one else could, not even Romanova. You are there to assist the motherland. You are there because they built you. You do not know why you hate Natalia more than the other girls do—they hate her for betraying Russia, of course; but your hate feels less like hatred and more like personal betrayal in the shape of abhorrence. You do not know why you have this feeling, and you do not ask because they did not build you to ask, but it still burns you up inside all the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hope is strong, but misery's a little quicker

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is honestly just self-indulgence and a bad idea. Enjoy!

As she holds you down and pushes the needle into your arm, she says "I'll see you in the future when we're older and full of stories to be told, 'Lena." 

"Traitor!" You scream, landing blow after blow to Natalia's chest. She doesn't try to stop you, just lets you cry until your treacherous body forces you to shut your eyes and gasp for breath; and as soon as you open your eyes, she is gone. Maybe she was never there at all.

It goes like this: you are Yelena Ivanovna Belova. You do not know how old you are or what your favourite food is or why you have a family waiting for you in Kiev but Natalia didn't. You do not ask why; after all, you are not there to ask questions. You are there because they built you to fight the battles that no one else could, not even Romanova. You are there to assist the motherland. You are there because they built you. You do not know why you hate Natalia more than the other girls do—they hate her for betraying Russia, of course; but your hate feels less like hatred and more like personal betrayal in the shape of abhorrence. You do not know why you have this feeling, and you do not ask because they did not build you to ask, but it still burns you up inside all the same.

Your days are almost always the same. You wake up at five in the morning with the rest of the girls and you spar with each other and whoever is the last one standing gets her pick of breakfast. There are no alliances. You win most days. Galina sits in the corner and watches you eat. You feel like you used to call her little bird and that you'd slip her pieces of bread, but no, you don't have any memories of that, just a feeling. You pointedly don't look at her. She has been losing too much weight. If she doesn't get the serum now she will wither away and the men will come to take her bed away and then it will be like she never existed at all, but you will know that she did; she will be a ghost. You feel like your chest should be aching and that you should share with her, but you don't. They bled the compassion right out of you. 

Alisa scoots over to Galina and shares her own meager portion with her. She knows she will be punished, but she does not care. She has said as much before. Try as they might, Rodchenko and the other specialists have never been able to fully wipe the two from each other's minds. You thought at first because they loved one another as though they were sisters, but the way they kiss each other and fuck desperately made you realize you were wrong, that their love is both more sacred and sacrilegious than anything familial. You watch them sometimes at night. You know that it's wrong, but the way Galina pulls Alisa's hair and moans into her mouth makes you remember a switchblade smile and red—red something. You don't know what it was. They don't know that you watch, or you don't think they do, anyways. Your superiors haven't put a stop to it—no one else finishes a duo mission quite like they do, and Alisa's knowledge of poisons is unparalleled. You think you had a partner, once, but you know that's not true, know that for as long as you've been in the Red Room you've been doing solo missions. You have never had a partner, and you don't want one. 

Still, you can't help but be a bit envious of them, and so when you give Galina a quarter of your meal, that is how you justify it. She is the best with languages, after all, so you cannot allow her to die until she's taught you everything she knows.

"Eat up, little bird," you say automatically, and don't even realize that you've spoken until Alisa gives you a curious glance. You pretend you don't see the tiny, grateful smile Galina has. You stalk over to Ekaterina and finish your breakfast.

Ekaterina is the one with the smooth pale skin and long dark hair and the one they said that used to be a boy. You know they are wrong. If Ekaterina says she has always been a girl, she always has been, regardless of her parts. You have never been attracted to men and you suspect you never will, although you are superb at faking it. You fuck her sometimes, and it is good, but neither of you love each other the way Alisa and Galina do. Katy says she wasn't built for love. She says this with a careless expression, and you know it is true. She cannot love someone the way Alisa loves Galina, but she can love you as a dear friend, and that is all you could ask for. 

You do not know if you can love someone either, although you think you have, but you don't remember doing so. You tell no one. The girls whose memories corrupt are the ones who are never seen again. You think you recall the feeling of flesh against your flesh, and someone telling you if you stop whatever it was that you were doing that they will kill you. You do not remember what they looked like or the sound of their voice, so you cannot truly be certain that the memory is real or your own.

The day you are Named is the biggest honour in your life, says Galina, alias Snow Fox. She has passed her tests with flying colours, and you know you don't have to worry about her anymore. She does not sleep in the same room as you and the rest of the girls now, and a new girl has been moved in. Her name is Yuliya. She is small, smaller than Galina, even; with short curly black hair and nervous green eyes. One look at her and you know if no one looks out for her that she will become a ghost. It is out of respect and deference for Russia that you take her under your wing, not compassion. It wouldn't do to break or mistreat the motherland's toys. You wonder if you were ever like that. You can't remember. No one can.

You were here the longest since Natalia—but wait, that isn't right, Natalia was here before you, wasn't she? Hadn't she been the first? You don't know, and if the other girls do, they aren't saying. 

You wonder what your Name will be. Galina is Snow Fox and Alisa is now Black Adder. You don't realize you are saying this out loud until Katy tells you she has a better use for your mouth. You promptly stop talking. 

Professor Rodchenko catches you staring at a picture of Natalia one day. It is part of the propaganda packets they give to all of the girls in their program. It is a photo of her smirking and across it in red it says "TRAITOR." 

"You're stronger than her, little spider." You knew he was there behind you, watching you, but the use of the nickname startled you.

"What did you say?" You ask, not understanding why you know it is significant, but you know that it is. 

"She is faster than you, yes. But you are stronger. Did you know they plan to make you the next Black Widow?" His brown eyes gleam but he ignores your real question, and suddenly you realize that you could kill him. He is a frail old man with soft wisps of white hair. You consider doing so for a moment and decide not to. The punishment would not be worth it.

"Is that why I have not yet been Named?" You ask, hoping that he is lying yet wanting him to be telling the truth. 

He bares his teeth in the semblance of a smile. "Ask Lukin."

Lukin confirms what Professor Rodchenko had said. You are to be the next Black Widow. But your tests will be different from the other girls'.

"We have seen the way you treat Yuliya. It could compromise you." Lukin says, glancing at you to gauge your reaction.

"It will not," you vow, clenching your hands into fists. He looks at you for a long time, eyes unreadable. 

"See that it does not," he says finally, dismissing you. The walk out of his office and back to your room seems like it takes hours as you focus on his unspoken promise. If you are compromised, he will make you kill Yuliya. 

The next to be Named is Ekaterina. You do not know what her test was, only that she nearly died. Madame Irina is reportedly not impressed, and there had been discussion about whether or not Katy deserved to be Named. Surprisingly, Rodchenko comes to her defense. He is famous for getting off on torturing the girls of your program. She is granted the Name of Timber Wolf, because the way she smiles when she is killing makes her look like one. You fuck her one last time before she moves out of your shared room, and it is frantic and rough and so, so good. 

"Stay safe," she says before she leaves, and you do not understand what she means until it is time for your test. 

You go on an undercover mission with Yuliya. It is her first. The goal is for her to seduce secrets from an important man high up in the American government. You are mostly there for backup, your handler says, and to complete the mission if she cannot. 

Everything is going well. Yourself and Yuliya are attending a gala disguised as socialites, and she has caught the man's eye. She asks him to go get some air with her the way she is supposed to, with a sultry laugh and peering up at him through her lashes. He smiles in a way that makes your blood boil, and though you are not supposed to, you follow them. 

She is supposed to sleep with him, but she is only sixteen. She has never been kissed before. She is afraid. He takes advantage of that, and it is clear that this man does not care about her fear or her lack of experience. He does not care that she does not want to fuck him. Before he can put his cock inside of her, you bust into their hotel room, shooting him over and over and over. Yuliya is crying and begs you to be quiet, and you don't even know that you're screaming until your throat feels raw and hoarse. You hold her afterwards. She is different than the others, more fragile, and you know you can't kiss or touch her the way you could with Katy; so you stroke her hair and murmur her lullabies until she stops shaking. You show her how to dispose of the body and make it look like you were never there at all. Yuliya is never the same after that. She is frightfully talented, of course, and a good partner, but a part of you thinks it would have been better if she had have died that day. You corrupted a part of her that was never meant to be touched or changed. She was never meant to be cruel. 

You lie to Lukin when he debriefs you and say that the man hadn't died with one shot, and that's why you shot him five times. You realize, after he refuses to meet your eyes, that he knows you are lying but doesn't call you out, doesn't tell anyone else. He is afraid of you, afraid of your savagery. It makes you feel powerful.

You are Named the Black Widow after that, and you are wiped. You are a blank slate. The Red Room outfits you with new memories, although there's always red at the back of your mind and you can't figure out why, you know you can't, but you try anyways.


End file.
